New Poll Shows C-SPAN Viewers Senile, Crazy

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New Poll Shows C-SPAN Viewers Senile, Crazy

August 23, 2012

A recent survey by West Virginia University suggests that the majority of C-SPAN viewers are elderly, easily confused, senile, or otherwise mentally ill.

"To be honest, these results are not surprising at all. I mean, just listen to the people that call in to C-SPAN over the course of a few hours. It's pretty obvious," says political science professor Burl Woodstock. The study indicates that there are two basic groups of people who watch C-SPAN: The extremely elderly, and younger viewers who suffer varying degrees of mental illness.

According to the study, 89 percent of C-SPAN viewers are under the impression that they are watching some kind of courtroom drama.

"I wonder what ever happened to that Detective Briscoe?"

76 percent are unable to comprehend the difference between a question and a comment, as evidenced by the content of most calls from viewers.

Most surprisingly, 91 percent of respondents believe that watching C-SPAN is a viable alternative to voting, or any other participation in the democratic process. "Most seem to think that congress can hear them if they yell at the television loud enough," says Woodstock. Many elderly shut-ins also watch C-SPAN out of a profound sense of loneliness. One elderly female respondent commented "Why, when Mitch McConnell is speaking in his dulcet tones, I could close my eyes and almost believe he was talking only to me."

Some of the survey's other revelations about C-SPAN viewers suggest:
67 percent think The Waltons is still relevant.
95 percent believe The Weather Channel is 'real TV'.
88 percent are under the impression that President Obama is some kind of fast food mascot.

"And now, for a limited time, you can have a krispy strip meal with your choice of two sides and a drink for just $3.99."

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Copyright 2012 Peter J Hopkins