The Slightly Magical Euphonium

Book and Music by Peter J Hopkins

Dialogue begins in measure 51.

Narrator: Long, long ago, in a land far away, lived a young man named Tom. Tom played the euphonium…

Random Audience member: (yelling) What’s a euphonium?

Narrator: (pointing at instrument) That’s a euphonium. But Tom didn’t play a regular euphonium. He played a slightly magical euphonium, and he made his living by entrancing vermin and percussionists, leading them out of the countryside where they could no longer annoy the citizens of the kingdom. Just listen to its beautiful sound.

During fermata in measure 73.

Narrator: Tom lived just outside the Kingdom of Chalumeau, where, alas, all was not well. For the villain Peril L. Fifth…

Peril: Bwa ha ha ha haaaaa.

Narrator: …and his evil henchman, Major Seventh…

Major Seventh: Mmmmmmm.

Narrator: …were plotting a despicable scheme.

During measures 98 & 99.

Peril: All is going according to plan. Tonight, Major Seventh, we strike. Prepare to release one million duck-billed platypuses into the kingdom. And while the king and all his servants are so busy rounding them up, I will quickly and quietly take the throne.

Major Seventh: Mmmmmmm.

Dialogue begins during fermata in measure 113 (piano begins right after Narrator).

Narrator: The next morning, the King and his daughter, the Princess, woke up to a dreadful shock.

King: Well, looks like Chalumeau’s all full of platypuses.

Princess: Oh Father, whatever shall we do.

Townsperson: Hey, I heard of a guy who can charm annoying critters with his euphonium.

King: What’s a euphonium?

Townsperson: I don’t know, but I’ll go find him.

Narrator: And so Tom was brought before the King and Princess.

During fermata in measure 128.

Tom: Your Majesty, I am at your service.

King: Do you suppose you could charm these platypuses and lead them out of the kingdom?

Tom: It would be all too easy for me, Your Majesty.

Princess: (to the King) Oh Father, but what if he were to enchant the kingdom’s children and lead them astray?!

Tom: This is a slightly magical euphonium. It only works on creatures with small and feeble minds, like music theory teachers, and duck-billed platypuses.

Princess: (Giggles at Tom)

Narrator: Now, the Princess wasn’t exactly what you would call ‘beautiful’, but Tom didn’t care, because euphonium players can’t be too picky. And so he played for her a love song.

During fermata in measure 156.

King: (cough, cough) ahem, well, I suppose you should hop to it then.

Tom: Oh, yes, Your Majesty.

Princess: Father, I’m so happy, for somebody’s impressed with me!

Narrator: (In measure 201) That night, as the Princess prepared for bed, something dreadful happened!

Princess: (In measure 203) The villain, Peril L. Fifth, what are you doing here?!

Peril: (In measure 205) By kidnapping you, I’ll teach your baritone boyfriend a lesson about meddling in my evil schemes!

Princess: (In measure 207) Think again, Peril! A baritone only has three valves, is more cylindrical, and has a smaller bore, bell, and mouthpiece, while a euphonium can have four valves, is conical, and possesses a darker and richer tone. They are NOT the same instrument!

Peril: ENOUGH!

Princess: Oh!

Narrator: And so Peril stole the Princess away to the Chalumeau Arena, where The Who were performing that night, and tied her to the speakers, so that The Who’s mighty sound would blast her brains out (Hey, why do you think Keith Moon was the way he was?).

During measures 208 & 209.

Narrator: But just as The Who were poised to strike their first power chord, everybody heard a strange noise.

Major Seventh: Mmmmmm?

Peril: Wha…What is that unusual sound?

Narrator: And before Peril could utter another word, the stage was rushed by one million duck-billed platypuses, lead by none other than Tom, who quickly freed the Princess.

(Piano stops vamping)

King: Guards, seize that villain Peril L. Fifth, and his evil henchman Major Seventh.

Peril: (to Tom) I should have known you would be my undoing—you and that disgusting euphonium. It’s dripping with spit.

Tom: That’s not spit. It’s condensation.

THE END

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